Closer to the end

I find myself struggling.  I have always been open and honest in my writing, all the personal shit I have posted for others to read and judge me on.  I’m okay with that.  I do wish, at times, someone would comment or share an experience that might be similar to mine.  Would I draw strength from someone else’s experience?  Maybe it would be comforting. 

I know what I need to do for my life to move forward.  I need to have the conversation with him.  It will not be easy.  Nothing about this is easy.  I play scenarios in my head about how it will happen, what it will look like, what I will say.  Some days I can manifest the entire conversation in my mind, in the way I want things to go.  It’s the unknown that kills me, scares me, and terrifies me.  I feel like I am going to destroy his life.  And not because I am telling him I no longer want to be married, but because he has wrapped everything around me.  I DO NOT mean that to sound………..narcissistic.  It’s just the truth.  What right do I have to destroy his life?  I am the fixer.  I make things okay for everyone.  And now I find myself unable to fix this and to make it all okay.  I have tried.  I know I have tried.   I know we are both tired of living every day in this uncomfortable comfortableness we have created.

Last night I found myself staring at husband him as he was playing Legos with one of the grandkids.  I was staring at him, searching for something.  What was I searching for?  I know every inch of him.  He is familiar.  He is what I have always known.  It is hard for me to separate the guilt I feel from my constant need to take care of him and not hurt him.  I wonder, at times, will I miss his smell, his laugh, his touch?  Will I?  Is that normal?  Was it worse this last week because there has been a grandkid at the house every evening?  The emotions have a way of taking control of everything.  But when the grandkids leave, we are back to status quo. 

Tuesday is my birthday.  53 years on this planet.  At the end of this month is our oldest sons birthday.  In April it’s Easter first and then his 54th birthday. And then in May it’s our 32^nd wedding anniversary.  So, when is the right time?  I know there is no right time.  I know the world will continue turning no matter when I tell him. 

I have segregated myself from family and friends. I am sorry for that. But that is my defense mechanism.  It’s my way of coping and dealing with the emotions.  I need to make sure the only voice I hear in my head is my own.  Does that make sense?  I don’t want to be influenced by what other’s think or feel.  I know they love me.  I know they want the best for me and for me to be happy.  Yes, it has been a very long journey.  My head and heart know what they want, who they want.  That is another chapter for another time.