The last two days have been pure and utter hell. I applied for a new job months and moths ago. I actually forgot I even applied for it until I received an email about setting up an in-person interview. I had the interview and felt that it went well, but I thought that before… Anyway, this job is similar to one that I held for 32 years. And I ended up getting a conditional offer of employment. Salary is good, benefits are good, I was in. This is a job in a police department (not as an officer).
I was not surprised to have to fill out a questionnaire that was extremely personal, like what was it like when you were birthed from your mother’s vagina kind of personal. I filled it out and thought I was good to go. Nope. On Wednesday, I was asked if I could attend an interview with the detective that was doing my background investigation. Of course, I know this is all part of the process.
I got to the interview with the detective and found out there would be two detectives present, as well as the interview being recorded. Awesome. Love myself on video. You kind of forget about the fact it is being recorded after a short time. The interview, it turned out, was not really an interview but a chance for the detectives to go section by section over my questionnaire to make sure I had not omitted anything, that I understood all the questions and was given a chance to add to or change answers as they were explained. This was for the purpose of getting me ready for a polygraph test, lie detector test in layman’s terms. I’m sorry, what? Talk about being freaked the fuck out. (I came from a place where we would sit in the squad room and make fun of the people that were being newly hired because they had to go through this grueling process. And we played a super fun game where we would sit around and analyze the questions that were asked. Like have you ever stolen from your workplace or employer? Of course not, how dare you! Really, a pen never ended up in your pocket or purse? You never needed to print a recipe while at work? You never “borrowed” a manilla folder? Yes, folks, that’s theft. So, my mind was RACING.) The questionnaire was reviewed with a fine-tooth comb, while being reminded by the detectives that I needed to be completely open, honest and transparent, because if I wasn’t and the polygraph showed I was lying – game over. After I made the changes and additions needed, like I spray painted a road with a name when I was 17, drank underage, drove when I was legally intoxicated at some point in my adult life, trespassed in spooky places as a teenager, named some of my “romantic” smoked weed as a 50 year old adult………….I thought I was finished. Nope! Here is another packet to answer. This is now for the polygraph examiner to review, along with my extensive questionnaire. Got through that and I felt………okayish. Yes, there was something linger in the back of my mind, but I figured I had some time to deal with it. Then I was informed that they wanted to do the polygraph the next evening. So much for time to deal. It was set up and I was on my way after a 2 ½ hour interview. I was completely spent. DONE DONE DONE!
I texted the person that means the most to me in the world as soon as I was in my car. My lover, my paramour, whatever you want to call him. We were able to talk on my way home. I explained my concern over keeping him a secret during the polygraph. There would be NO WAY I could not think about him if asked about romantic partners. This is the person I am making plans to spend the rest of my life with. Yes, we are both still married. Yes, we are both working our ways to ending those marriages. Yes, we are having an affair. Yes, he used to be a cop where I worked. We decided I would be fine, shades of gray we will call it. I went home, kinda slept, and just couldn’t stop thinking about this huge part of my life that I was going to omit.
Thursday morning, I’m a mess. Contacted my person and asked him if he was okay if I emailed the detective doing my background and told him what I omitted and why. It is a lot to ask of someone. We have been VERY careful and private about our relationship. However, this was a completely confidential background. My person said it was fine. He knows what this job would mean for me, for us.
I formulated my email and off it went. Oh, I also had to tell them about a time when I was 14 and a “family friend” who was 28 decided to show me how a penis worked. Yes, it is that invasive. Within minutes I received a text from the detective asking me to call him. I obviously knew what it was about. I found an empty spot at work and made the call. As he told me many times the previous evening, he is not the moral police, and he is not my judge and jury. He was somewhat disappointed but understood my apprehension and the fact I needed to make certain my person was okay with giving out his information. The detective then asked if he could talk to my person, which we had assumed. I called my person and gave him the detectives number. My person called and talked to the detective. My person is unfuckingbelievable.
The polygraph was still on. The powers that be accepted the reasoning for my omission and were still very interested in having me work for the department, fortunately. Left my current job and drove directly to the station for the polygraph. Being completely honest, I felt like a criminal. I felt like I had already failed regardless of what information I had given. I am taken to a room with the detective. There is the chair, with wires and shit. We sit at a table, and he explains the process. He has yet another packet of questions for me. He reads them and I answer. I can’t begin to tell you how many times the word AFFAIR was used. It was humiliating, embarrassing, just horrible. Now it’s time to get strapped up. Two monitors for my heart area and one under that, blood pressure cuff, pulse ox sensor, two fingertip sensors. The armrests, seat, back and a mat at the foot of the chair are all equipped with sensors to capture any and all movements. We did a practice test so I knew how things would go and then FINALLY got into the first test. I don’t even know what the questions were at this point. That took about 5 hours, ok it felt like 5 hours but was maybe 15-20 minutes. Then I waited while he scored the test. The second part of the test was now up. Again, maybe 15-20 minutes. And then it was over. I was allowed to get unhooked from all the monitors. Moved from the hot seat to a regular chair while he scored the test. He didn’t say anything to me but got his phone out and texted someone and then dialed a number. It was the front desk of the department and he asked if someone would have time to take fingerprints for pre-employment. I then knew I passed, or I wouldn’t be getting my prints taken. He asked me how I thought I did. I said I think I passed, he said congratulations, you passed. And then I turned to a puddle of goo. I got my prints taken and was good to go. This time I was only there for 2 hours.
Got to my car, sat down and felt like I had just run the Boston marathon backwards with one leg tied behind my back. I sent a text to my person. He wasn’t able to respond, fuck. I needed him. Started my drive home, sent a text (via siri) to my husband asking if he ate yet. Response was no. Asked him if I should stop on my way home and get anything. Response was I don’t care. I just sent a text saying McDonald’s. Response was OK. I had to ask what he wanted. He sent his order. Then he sent a text saying our daughter was home, what about her. What the fuck do you think? I had to tell him to ask her and let me know. He sent her order.
Now, here is another little insight into my homelife. The night before when I had my interview. I left the house at like 7AM, got home at I believe 8:45PM. He didn’t eat that night because he was alone, but he did go to a local watering hole to drink. I got home to a dishwasher needing to be unloaded, dishes in the sink and mail strewn on the table. Because mommy wasn’t home to take care of it. He never asked me how it went, never asked anything. I went to bed. Not sure when he came to bed. And as far as my daughter is concerned, I was waiting for her to be home so I could kick her out of my house. If you want to read that blog its on wordpress as howdoilife. It’s a good read if I do say so myself. I created this one so I could talk freely about my AFFAIR.
Back to Thursday. I get the food, take it home. Of course, it is pouring down rain and I get soaked getting all the shit from my car to the house. I get inside put the bags and drinks on the table. He sits down……..I have to get the food out of the bags and hand out everyone’s food. Seriously? Our daughter sits down. He says to me. I guess they grilled you hard, huh? I just said yes, you have no idea. My daughter asks like what questions. I answered that I didn’t want to go into. Honestly, I couldn’t even look at her with what she has been doing. She rolls her eyes. Bomb goes off in my head. So I ask her some very direct questions and let her know that I am aware of what she has been doing, how she has been lying and basically stealing from me. She has no real comment, gets up and says she’ll pack her shit and go. He says nothing, just keeps eating his fries. She goes to her room, gets her backpack, tells me to stop paying for everything for her, that she will figure it out and leaves. He’s still eating his fries. He says nothing. I basically just kicked her out and he says nothing to her or me. I unload the dishwasher, loudly. He keeps eating his fries. I threw my food away because there was no way I could eat. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.
I hate fucking French fries.