Love & Lies, Lies & Love

Let’s review.  I am a married woman.  I am a married woman who has cheated.  There is husband him.  There is paramour him. 

I have known husband him since 1986. That is 37 years.  This May, we will be married for 32 years.  We have three kids and three grandkids.  We have two dogs.

I have known paramour him since 1995.  That is 28 years.  We worked together for 27 of those 28 years.  We were always………sociable when we worked together.  We got closer in the last few years we worked together. 

I ask myself over and over again, how I got to this point in my life.  And my answer simply is, I have no fucking clue.  Having an affair, cheating or whatever you want to call it isn’t something I was planning on.  It wasn’t something I was searching out.  I wasn’t looking to get even with husband him or hurt husband him.  Not at all. 

I didn’t just wake up one day and say to myself, “well, todays the day.  Time to start an affair.”    It didn’t work like that, at least not for me.  Let me try to get some of this shit out of my head and into actual words.

In my other blog (https://howdoilife.net/), I wrote extensively about me, my childhood, my work, relationships, etc.  I worked in a male dominated field forever, starting at the ripe old age of 19.  Of course this influenced me and how I acted, but so did a million other things.  Yes, I am a sexual person.  Yes, I crave attention.  None of which I am going to explain again. 

When husband him and I started dating, we were both what I would say outsiders.  Him more than me.  He was a loner most definitely.  I was in a high school clique, probably the second most popular group.  But I still always felt like an outsider.  I acted, dressed, talked, etc. the way I had to; to keep me viable and important.  So, we clung to each other.  Both, for different reasons.  None of those reasons were wrong.  I craved his attention, he craved mine.  We fell in love.  The rest of that story is 37 years’ worth of memories.  I am NOT diminishing those 37 years.  I will always cherish them. 

When other him and I started getting closer, it was as friends/co-workers.  At work we had the opportunity to talk for lengths of time, and we did.  We actually gave one another marriage advice.  We were sounding boards for each other.  We talked about everything, and I mean everything.  There isn’t a topic we haven’t touched on in some way.  And when we disagreed, which wasn’t often, we each expressed how we felt on the topic, agreed to disagree and moved on.  We talked about serious life situations that we either had gone through or were experiencing at that time.  I think we each felt that comfort you feel with a best friend.  Knowing that anything you say, any opinion that you have is perfectly fine.  There was no judgement, ever.  None. 

I told him all the things in my life I did that I am ashamed of; he did the same.  It made us closer.  I told him the things that were creating issues in my marriage.  He gave me sound advice to try and help the issues, I did the same for him.  We talked openly about sex.  We found we had similar likes, dislikes, fantasies, and interests.  It was never awkward.  It felt normal.  It felt like I was talking to my best friend.

I guess, looking back, it was almost like dating.  We found out the good, the bad and the ugly about each other and we kept coming back to each other.  Never did either of us think we would end up loving each other.  Never did we think we would each discover someone that accepted us for all our flaws, scars and fucked up worlds.  But we did. 

I know people will question how I could cheat, deceive, and hurt husband him after all we have been through.  It’s not an easy answer.  It’s an answer that took 37 years to formulate.  Nothing suddenly happened or changed.  The change happened over that time.  I changed, husband him changed, and we changed.   Looking back, I don’t know that husband him changed all that much over the years.  Husband him is a good man.  I have no intention of making excuses.  All I can do is be honest about how I feel. 

Husband him has never been a communicator.  He would tell you the same thing.  He grew up in a household that ignored problems until daily life went back to “normal”.  When we were dating, I remember driving around for hours and talking about what we each wanted.  Marriage, a house, kids, etc.  All those dreams young people in love have.  He spoiled me.  He paid attention to me.  He loved me in his way.  And I loved him.  I spoiled him.  I paid attention to him.  We found in each other something that we were both lacking in our lives. 

Life moved on.  We lived together, got engaged, got married, bought a house, had kids and all the shit that happens in between those events.  We dealt with some very hard family issues on his side and my side.  Wait.  No.  I dealt with the family issues.  He internalized and didn’t talk about what was happening.  He didn’t help me find a resolution to the issues or help me work through the issues. 

I remember times where I was on my knees in front of him begging him to talk to me, to help me.  He couldn’t.  I honestly don’t think it wasn’t that he didn’t want to help or that he wouldn’t help.  He didn’t have the ability to communicate.  Looking back there were clues for me.  But I was also 21 years old and getting married.  What the hell did I know?  I was in love.

Husband him and me SUCK at financial stuff.  We fought about money and managing money.  He did it for a while and then I took it over in like 1996 and I’m still doing it.  Even though I have asked and begged for him to help me.  My way of dealing with money and financial shit is to ignore it.  Hasn’t been working and I wouldn’t recommend that method. 

We have three kids.  First one was way too easy.  Made us think we knew what we were doing. 

Second kid came along with some major health issues.  More ER trips than I can count, all sorts of testing, specialists, special children’s hospital stays.  It was horrible.  I did that.  I did all of it.  All the staying home, ER trips, specialists, testing days – all of it.  I made the decisions when we were presented with treatment options.  I always asked.  I always tried to discuss things.  He always knew how I felt.  I never knew how he felt.   

Third kid was even more of a challenge, and still is.  I sometimes think that mental illness is just as difficult to deal with and handle as a physical illness, if that makes sense.  I dealt with and still deal with the manic moments and the deep depression moments.  I have gone to all the therapist, psychiatrist, and mental testing appointments.  Me.  I have committed this child three times.  Me.  Alone. 

The weekly schedule with husband him is the same. 

Monday: work, home and possible going to a local brewery. 

Tuesday: work, home and going to a local brewery

Wednesday: work, home and going to a local brewery

Thursday: work, home and as long as we did the Tuesday/Wednesday thing we can stay home

Friday:  work, home and typically going out to eat and probably stopping at a local brewery

Saturday: I clean, wash, run errands.  He sometimes helps with the errands.  We both do house stuff as we try to finish projects.  Saturday night is a crap shoot.  At times we end up at (shocking) a local brewery late afternoon that lasts into the evening.

Sunday:  I do the grocery run, meal prep for the week, finish laundry.  He will be doing random house stuff and if we are asked by friends or if we need a distraction from each other we will go to a local brewery. 

This is not how I want the rest of my life to be.  We talk about doing things, going places.  It never happens.  There is always an excuse, a reason why we can’t.  I don’t get it.  There is so much I want to see and do and I always thought we would do those things together. 

I am scared.  I am terrified of ending a 37-year relationship.  All the what if’s just keep playing in my head.  Some days they scream, some days they are quite.  But I am terrified of staying where I am and becoming more and more numb inside.  I am terrified that the kids won’t understand.  But I am terrified they will see me settling, when I’ve always told them to make choices that make them happy.  They know things aren’t the greatest.  I am terrified about my grandkids.  There will no longer be a Mimi and Pop Pop.  There will be a Mimi and there will be a Pop Pop. 

Yes, I am in therapy.  Yes, we are kinda doing couple’s therapy.  By kinda I mean I think husband him agreed to it thinking if he agreed that was enough.  But, he also has to participate.  Maybe he is trying, but it’s so incredibly hard.  We are in couples therapy because I HAD AN AFFAIR.  But we have not spoken of that elephant in the room.  If it’s ignored, things go back to the way they always were…….

Comments anyone?

Questions anyone?

Concerns anyone?