It’s strange

I feel strange. I’m not sure exactly how to describe it. Perhaps a true sense of mourning would explain it.

I said goodbye to my……lover, confidante, person who knows everything about me and still wanted me. It was one of the most painful things I ever experienced. I do not know that my decision is right or wrong, but it was my decision to make.

I could no longer live a life of guilt. Guilt was drowning me. I was living two different lives. One with him and one with husband him. I was hurting all of us. I had to stop the hurt, I had to stop the guilt. I could no longer see clearly what it is that I wanted and who I was. I don’t know how else to describe it. Where do I fit? Where do I belong? I didn’t know anymore. I still don’t know.

People that know or suspected will assume I took the easy way out because I stayed. There is nothing easy about it. There is nothing easy not knowing if the relationship will even survive, but I need to try. I wish I could explain why. There is nothing easy about saying goodbye to someone after 3 years of……….love. Hurting people isn’t easy. Loving people isn’t easy.

Memories haunt me, both from my him past and my husband past. I will carrying those hauntings with me for the rest of my days. I will cherish those hauntings for the rest of my days.