What if

Today is a day of what ifs.  My mind is full of them.  They are the things that keep me up at night, the things that send me into panic attacks, the things that make me question every part of my world.  Everyone has the what ifs, right?  

I realize that I am the only one that can make decisions for my life.  I have always allowed others to influence me and the decisions I make.  Why?  Why do I do that? Why do I allow others to impact my thoughts and feelings in such a huge way? 

What if, I had no conscious? I would already be gone.  What if, I was more logical minded? I would already be gone.  What if, I considered only my feelings? I would already be gone.

What if I leave?  What does that look like?  What does that feel like?  What would that be like?

What if I don’t leave?  What does that look like?  What does that feel like?  What would that be like?

I can’t answer the what if I leave questions.  

I can answer the what if I don’t leave questions. Nothing changes. There is no talking, no conversations, no communication. Surface talk is not what a relationship is built on or what a relationship can last on. I remain unhappy but pretend I am “fine”. He remains unhappy but will never admit it. We continue our routine. We go to our normal places, do our normal stuff and nothing changes. I continue to spend money to be happy, eat to be happy, drink to be happy, take the occasional pill to forget how fucking happy I am. He will continue to go along with anything and everything because it is just easier. Is that living? No. Neither one of us is living. We are merely existing. I’m tired of just existing. I want more. I have tried over and over and over again to tell him that. I have said the words, I sent the words in a text, I wrote the words in an email – nothing changes. The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I am the livingdefinition of stupidity.