Has it always been like this? Or did we become this? I think we became this. Our love was real, our love grew a family, created a home for that family and provided safety for us. Our love changed, it always does – right? Maybe it’s my feeling and you would not agree if you read this. I don’t know, because even if you did read this you still wouldn’t open up and talk to me. That makes me sad. That has made me sad for over 30 years.
I know we are both guilty in the….let’s say manipulation of our relationship over the years. I would beg you to talk to me, you would say nothing is wrong and we don’t need to change or talk, I would be silent for a time and slowly give in and retreat to what was comfortable. I tried to get you to talk by guilting you. You controlled the situation by not talking. I never realized that before. And I thought I was the controlling one in the relationship. Silly me or smart you, I’m not sure which it is.
Were we also so different? I don’t think so. We found each other at time when we each were extremely vulnerable – high school. I was searching for love and acceptance. I think you were as well. We gave each other what we needed and wanted; what we never had before.
We both grew up in extremely dysfunctional families. No one can argue about that. We both brought that dysfunction into our relationship. I manipulated in the same way my mom manipulated me. You stayed quiet and refused to engage in any fight or conversation, the way you saw your dad deal with your mom.
We fell in love. We got married. We bought a house, turned it into our home and brought our babies to that home. I made bad decisions early in our marriage that you never knew about. At least I don’t think you knew about. There are times I wonder if you knew and just never said anything. Because it was easier that way. No conflict.
We both worked. We took on the roles of husband and wife. We did what was expected. Outside pressures took a toll on our relationship. But we never talked about it. We just kept going. Keeping all the problems and pressures packed away to be used when the next “thing” happened. I would unpack the hurt and throw it at you. Telling you all the things YOU did wrong that I didn’t like. I wanted you to throw the hurt back at me, fight with me, fight for me. You never did that.
I started to pretend. Pretend everything was fine. Pretend it was true love. Pretend we were the perfect family. I don’t know if the kids noticed anything as they were growing up or not. We never had drag out, knock down fights. Ha – we would have had to actually talk to have a fight.
Pretending became a way of life for me. I pretended at home, I pretended with extended family and I pretended at work. It was just easier that way. I was so good at pretending I think I convinced myself I was happy. I continued to make bad decisions. Decisions that I now realize had everything to do with me and nothing to do with you.
I think that is enough for now. Part 1 isn’t finished, but I am emotionally exhausted.
Love & Lies, Lies & Love 